Finally at Peace

Mom passed away last night at about 10:30 after two days of labored breathing. We were all exhausted as I'm sure she must have been as well.

she had a much shorter stay here in San Diego than I had expected. We thought we would have at least six months of her here. I guess I didn't have to worry after all about Mom finding my linen closet in a mess and the tablecloths needing to be ironed. There were many things we wanted to do with her here that we never had time for because she was suddenly so sick.

But Mom did lots of things in her life, pretty much whatever she wanted. and she wanted all this to end, so she got her way there too. I'm sure Bruce was happy to have her back.

Our plans are to have Mom cremated so that people who want to be together to celebrate her will be able to make plans for an event in NJ. We will be taking her to Fairview to put her with Bruce and our grandmother. It's such a beautiful place and she picked out a wonderful spot with a view for the family plot when our grandmother died.

We'll let everyone know the plans as soon as we do. We aren't going to rush it because pelple will have to make arrangements to come from Long Island and other places. We'll bring Mom home with us when we come to NJ soon. Diva will leave tomorrow to be home in time to see Gina off to her first day of college. Family life goes on and it's good. But we all have to go through these times as well.

Thanks to everyone who read the blog and sent messages. It was really great to hear from people who read the blog and knew that they cared about us and Mom. You are all such great friends.

Thursday night exhausted

Diva and I apent the day with Mom sometimes sitting with her together and sometimes trading off. Don was finally able to get home from his business trip and Mom is still with us. Just barely but still there. She is really in fina phase with apena which scares you because she stops breathing but then starts again. She is running a fever of 105.6 Can you believe it? We are totally exhausted.

Thursday

I think today might be the day for my mom.

The hospice nurse said she is in a coma now and not responsive but we should consider that she can probably hear us. So Diva and I are sitting with her and talking about the things we normally talk about. That way if she can hear us she will feel included and not sitting in a sad quiet room. We are playing her classical music and Mom seems quiet and peaceful. That has been our goal all along so I guess this is going well.

Okay, okay, here's Wednesdays entry...

I have had so many people mention that they have checked the blog and found no entry for today. It makes me so happy to know that there are so many people out there who are caring enough to check and see how we are doing. Thanks so much to all of you for that.

Yesterday Mom continued to fail and became pretty much unresponsive for most of the day. Around 7pm last night she woke up a bit and we were able to communicate although it was very difficult to understand her. She has been receiving a lot of medication and has been on and off feverish and anxious.

Diva arrived at the airport at 8pm and Mom had pretty much shut down by then so there wasn't really an ability for her to respond to us although I am sure that she could still hear us.

Today has been pretty much the same. She has fallen in deeper and the only sign of life is her continued breathing, sometimes labored and sometimes a bit easier once medication has been administered. She seems to require more now to keep from becoming agitated although it doesn't appear to be directed at anything specific.

So Diva and I are sometimes sitting with her together or we take turns. Hospice is still here 24 hours and they take care of everything. We talk to her and have conversations around her because she loves company and people. Miriam was in San Diego for the day and stopped by to see Mom before she heads back up to Santa Monica tonight. We are talking over old times and including Mom in the conversation. I'm hopeful that she can still hear us although there is no response.

I promise to write first thing tomorrow when I see how she is doing so when everyone checks you will have an update. Thanks again to everyone for being concerned about all of us.

quick note that some of you will appreciate

The hospice nurse asked me to get her a mixture of water, mouthwash and olive oil to moisten the inside of Mom's mouth. I sure hope I used the right olive oil. Glad it wasn't the cheap stuff...

final days

She's still hanging in there. But she's very close to the end. Diva arrives tonight at 8pm and I'm hoping that Mom will hang on until then. The hospice nurse thinks that she will, based on current symptoms but things can change quickly. I'm so glad that we made the decision to bring her here. It would have made me nuts to know she was going through all this and yet not know what was going on.

It's amazing how quickly this is going during these stages. Before the weekend she was lively and talking and Saturday she was out in the garden enjoying the weather. I'm so glad that I didn't put off the skype call from her lady neighbor friends. She was starting the decline that morning only I didn't recognize it, really. But she was tired and I almost told Patty to wait. But glad I didn't - she enjoyed it so much.

One thing I can say about it all is that hospice has done a fantastic job at keeping her comfortable. They have been here since Sunday night and it is such a relief to go to sleep at night and know that she is being taken care of and that someone is watching out for her. And it is really wonderful to be able to have Mom here at home rather than worrying and wondering how she is doing in some hospital.

I'll keep everyone posted later during the day and let you know how it goes with Diva's arrival tonight.

I think we are starting the downhill slide - Monday 8/29

This has been a difficult weekend. Mom woke up disoriented and afraid and it took two doses of medication to calm her down. The hospice nurse came and she was better so we got her into the wheelchair and we sat out back in the garden for awhile and she slept in the shade.

By later afternoon she wanted to go back to bed and became more disoriented and anxious as it got into evening. She felt itchy all over and the nurse recommended medication for that. She slept fine through the night.

Sunday morning she was more anxious and disoriented but once medicated she calmed down. the nurse stopped by to see her and she was okay, and her pulse and blood pressure were good. In the afternoon she took a nap but when she woke up she was very frightened and disoriented and sometimes not responsive. Her eyes were wide open as if she were frightened and she didn't speak for over an hour. We called hospice and our nurse came back. Mom was still the same when she got here. It seemed that she could hear us but did not respond verbally.

the nurse gave her more morphine and a stronger antianxiety medication and she relaxed but was still not really with us. They moved us into critical care and we had a nurse here all night and another one here for today. We will have one overnight tonight as well.

Mom's vital signs are changing and her blood pressure is falling. She isn't able to swallow so all the medication she is being given is by liquid or suppository. She is comfortable and sleeping. Her temperature is not dropping and is just below normal. The hospice people are here to keep her comfortable and not in pain.

She would be so upset to hear that her favorite tree came down in the hurricane on Sunday. She loves that tree and we were just talking about it a couple of weeks ago when I was in NJ with her. she gave her neighbor Patty a couple of seedlings and hopefully they will do well and carry on the tradition.

The thing that was the most fun for Mom this weekend was a skype call from the neighbor ladies in Mountainside that all called to tell her they miss her. A bunch of them went to the neighbor across the street and they called on the computer so that Mom could see all of them. It really made her happy and she was glad to hear that they hadn't forgotten about her. thanks all of you ladies for doing that!

Pain relief

Well the morphine seems to have done the trick. Mom is finally not having pain. and she is happy as well - a bit loopy - but happy. She's looking pretty good also. She must be losing weight because she isn't eating much but it's hard to tell because she hasn't wanted to get out of bed since the stroke. She goes for days without eating anything (she is drinking fluids, though) and then decides she is hungry and has a good lunch and dinner. Evidently the morphine supresses the appetite.

so think about this - morphine makes you happy, pain free, and no appetite. Sounds like a diet drug, doesn't it???

Last night she was watching some Italian movie on tv and singing along with the music. That was really fun to see. She was waving her fork in the air to the timing. she wasn't using the fork much to eat my meatballs, but she was doing a great job as a conductor.

Morphine Mamma - Wednesday August 24th

today the Hospice dr came with a nurse and talked to Mom. They doubled her dose of morphine to keep her comfortable. It seems to be helping her so we'll see how the additional dosage will do. It's still a small dose compared to what they sometimes give, I guess. It is just to keep her comfortable. She still only really has pain when she urinates and the lighter dose of morphine seemed to be helping quite a bit so maybe this will eleviate it completely.

Evidently the tumor has grow back almost completely because they tried to insert a cathater to see if they could avoid her having to urinate and have that pain, but they couldn't insert it because the tumor has already grown back to the large size and is blocking the entrance. The nurse didn't want to force it and make the tumor bleed because they had a problem with that during the original procedure where they tried to remove it.

Last night Mom had a bad leg cramp at about 4am and I gave her a morphine dose. The dr said this morning that it might be a blood clot but there isn't anything they can do about it other than take her in to the hospital for a sonogram but even then they couldn't give her blood thinners. She is actually very sensitive to the touch everywhere and I'm not sure what that is all about.

She's only been here 2 1/2 weeks. the hospice dr said that she probably will last some period of weeks rather than months because she is looking pale and her nailbeds are pale which is an indication that she is still losing blood. They are not going to do anything about that. They said she is probably anemic.

Mom is a happy camper on her morphine and it's kind of funny. I'm calling her morphine Mamma. She was on the phone yacking to some of her friends last night, had some pasta for dinner and then went to sleep. Her spirits are good and she isn't complaining about anything. So you know it's the drugs or she would have something to say about everything. Good thing she can't get out of bed and see what a mess my linen closet is!! And to make it worse the candelabra hasn't been polished!

Monday 8/22

Mom had a busy weekend comparatively speaking. Saturday her hospital bed arrived and we moved her into it. I think it is going to be a big improvement for her because is allows her to sit up and gives her a table at the right level for her to eat from. Also on Saturday our friend Kay came to visit Mom and talk. She is an active member of the local Catholic church and Mom was happy to have someone to talk to about the church, her experiences, and all things related. Mom asked her to have her rosary blessed which Kay did the next day on Sunday.

Sunday Margo and Miriam Kozel came to visit her from Santa Monica. They are Daisy's daughters, for those of you who are close family friends. We had a great time with them - they brought holiday photos from way back with my grandparents and their parents and lots of others. Mom really loved seeing them and they promise to come back soon with more photos - Daisy took lots of photos at these gatherings.

All these visits last about an hour or less and Mom gets tired out and needs a nap. But she really perks up when she has company so I am going to have to enlist more people to come visit. Hospice will send people over to visit as well. So I might just take advantage of it.

We have had a hospice nurse come by every day since they got involved. They have upped her pain medication but she is still hurting - only when urinating though. However, that process is very painful for her.

Mom appears to be recovered from the stroke last week and we are going to try to get her out of bed today for a bit. She is asking to sit up and I think if she can get out to the garden for awhile it will do her good. If her legs are okay we can help her walk out. Otherwise we can put her in the wheelchair and take her outside. Either way I think the change of scene and the fresh air will do her good.

second hospice visit

Today the nurse and social worker came from hospice. These are the people that have been assigned to us so we get the same people coming in all the time. They are delivering a hospital bed this afternoon so Mom can sit up more easily. She hasn't eaten anything since Tuesday dinner before she had the stroke and I am thinking if we can make her more comfortable in bed and able to sit up then maybe she will be more willing to eat. Although her reason for not eating is that she isn't hungry.

The nurse says that her vital signs are good - heart rate, pulse, etc. So that's good. she says that they are estimating her living weeks to months but the lack of food may bring a change to that estimate. She isn't in pain particularly although she says sometimes her bones hurt. We're not sure what that is but I have medication for her for that.

Meanwhile, Mom is alert when she isn't sleeping and she is still kidding and laughing, especially with Jerry. She really doesn't have any interest in watching TV or reading and doesn't stay awake for long. I have been spending time with her in the evenings when she is awake and I sit on the bed and talk with her. The dogs come up on the bed and sleep and she likes that. We're not having any big deal conversations, I just let her tell the family stories that we have already heard a million times. They can be entertaining because she gets them mixed up and adds her own embellishments so you never know how it's going to turn out.

The hospice visit

Things are settling down a bit here. Mom seems to be recuperating somewhat from the stroke. She has gotten a little bit of strength back in her left hand but still cant stand up or hold her weight at all. She is still speaking a little funny but her mind is clear (as clear as it was before all this, anyway) and she is talkative when awake. The nurse said that a stroke will make you sleepy so that is why she has spent so much time sleeping in the last two days.

Hospice is going to be a huge help. they will supply anything we need including hospital bed and that kind of thing. They also have volunteers who will come over to talk to the patient and keep them company in case we want to go out or just need a break. They have a 24 hour phone line so you can call them at any time and they will help you over the phone or send a nurse. Doctors and nurses come to your house instead of us going to them. Medicare pays for the whole thing. No wonder they are running out of money.

So hopefully we are in for a quiet few weeks while we settle in. We have found a caregiver that comes highly recommended and she can start any time. I think that we will be splitting the time between her and Jerry so my Mom still gets to talk to him but she gets different professional care in the afternoon. That might work out perfectly.

problems starting Tuesday night

Last night my mom had a stroke. It appeared minor with just slurred speach. but this morning she has no feeling in her left side and still is slurring her speach. (she hasn't lost her sense of humor though). She seems to be just sleeping. Jerry and I tried to get her up into the bathroom but she couldn't get her feet working right so it seems that she is bed ridden or will have to be moved in a wheel chair for now.

This could go either way - from one extreme to the other. She could completely recover from it or she could have another one and die. Her dr says that I could take her to the emergency room and they would do and MRI and the way to address it would be to give her blood thinners. But she said the tumor would start to bleed. She said the other option is to do nothing So I guess that is what we are doing.

Hospice comes tomorrow for an evaluation. One thing we all need to remember is that if this is how she goes it is way better than the pain she will experience from the cancer. It is in many ways the easier way out. She is peaceful and sleeping. She seems to realize that her left side isn't working and she is lucid. she isn't in any pain. So in a way, it doesn't seem so bad, does it?

beginning the second week in San Diego

this past weekend Mom seemed to start getting energy back. She has is eating better (actually getting hungry) and is awake and out of bed more. She spent some time sitting in the garden out back in the sun. Last night was the first time we sat and watched some TV after dinner.

Mom is now up to receiving callers - my cousin Laura is coming in September for a long weekend and Daisy's daughters Miriam and Margo are coming down from Santa Monica for lunch on Sunday. Ann Mileto who has been a friend of my mothers for many years is moving back to Laguna Niguel at the end of this month and I'm sure she will be here to visit as soon as she gets settled in as well. So Mom's social life is springing back.

I think it has been good for her to be around people and activity this past week. She perks up when people are here.

first Dr appt in San Diego

we had our first outing today to the dr's office. She is a wonderful person who also took care of my Dad when he was here with us. I know she will help us with what my Mom wants - which is to be comfortable during this process and to not have invasive procedures done. Lucky that Mom liked her because she will really be good during this process.

better day today- Thursday

Mom woke up early this morning and we got her up, she took a shower, had tea and cookies and talked to Margarita (from Italy) on the phone. That's pretty good for her! Then she went back to bed to take a nap. I would say thats an improvement for sure. This afternoon she will have her first outing since she got here on Saturday - we're going to her first dr appointment.

Wednesday 8/10

This morning mom got out of bed finally. She said she decided that she wasn't dying yet and needed to be more independent. I would say that's a good sign. She was getting pretty whiney for awhile because I was making her get up to eat meals instead of serving her in bed. She's pretty much been sleeping since she got here. Except for the party of course.

Monday/Tuesday August 8/9

Mom spent most of the day in bed yesterday and only got up to have lunch and then dinner. She was confused about whether it was day or night and didn't know if she should be having breakfast. She had soup for dinner and went back to bed. She woke up in a panic because she thought someone had stolen Pucci (her next door neighbors in Mountainside have the dog) and I put our dog, Bella, on the bed (who is white like Pucci) and that made her happy because she thought it was Pucci. This morning she woke up upset because she was dreaming about her granddaughter Gina so I have her something for anxiety and she will sleep most of the morning is my guess.

Meanwhile, Jerry, the person who is staying with her when we are at work, was a big hit with Mom. He could talk to her about opera and all kinds of music things. She thinks he is just great! So that's fun for her. She kept telling me how interesting Jerry is. So for those of us that know Jerry - we will have to tell him that he is interesting....

The birthday party

Sunday Don planned a party with about 20 friends that was held outside in the back garden at our house. Mom didn't want to meet anyone and was just going to go to bed. Well by the time everyone got there, there was Mom in the middle of it all. She had managed to get herself out of bed and outside. Funny how she can do things when she puts her mind to it. I think she just likes to be waited on.

She had a fun time at the party and everyone paid lots of attention to her. At one point she was tired and wanted to go back to bed to sleep. However, in about 45 minutes there she was again saying that the food smelled good on the barbecue and she was hungry. for those of you that know her well, that would surprise you because she will tell you she hates barbecue.

I think it was really good for her to be with our friends at the party - part of the problem with her living alone I think was that she didn't see many people and she was alone sitting in front of the TV most of the time. She hasn't even asked about TV here.

For now we have our friend Jerry staying with Mom during the day when we are at work. He is great company for her and they are talking all about music and opera and having a great time. I do think that we will need to bring a woman in to take care of her though because of her bathroom stuff and will need more and more to have help doing personal things. But she likes Jerry and wants to fix him up with her friend Brian. Some things never change. It's nice that she is enjoying Jerry's company for now.

The trip to San Diego

Once we found out what the problems were, we knew that Mom couldn't be left alone any longer. So our options were to have Diva help her - but it couldn't be full time with the kids and everything, or to bring someone in. We decided against bringing in someone we didn't know. So we are selling the house and Mom has moved back to San Diego with me.

Our trip wasn't too bad. I had expected Mom to sleep most of the way but instead she was awake and chatty while I was trying to watch a movie on my iPad. That didnt work. I finally gave her the iPad and she watched Moonstruck which is one of her favorites. I slept instead....

Finally we got to our house and she was really exhausted. She had a bit of dinner (she hasn't eaten much since the surgery) and went to bed. Between the trip, the surgery, and the time difference she had pretty much had it for the day.

This all happened on last Saturday which was my birthday. Diva said that originally Mom got me on my birthday and now I was getting Mom on my birthday. Don didn't think it was so funny.

A bit of background on it all

About a week and a half ago I took Mom in for a cystcopy which is where they put a camera into the bladder to see what the problem is. She had been having pain and blood in her urine. As soon as they got in there they found a huge tumor that took up most of her bladder and has grown through the bladder walls. They removed what they could but could not get all of it because she was bleeding heavily and the tumor had gotten too far through the bladder walls.

She was in the hospital for a couple of days and had 4 blood transfusions before they would release her. A few days later we had a dr appt where we dicussed the options. One was surgery to remove the bladder and possibly part of the uterus and vagina. Very difficult surgery. another choice is chemo but the dr said that it would be a really bad experience due to the type of tumor and how extensive it was. The third option is radiation - 5 days a week for 3 weeks. So Mom opted to do nothing and just let things run its course.

Even before Bruce had cancer my mom always said that she never wanted to go through all this. She made me promise when we found all this out that I wouldn't do things to extend her life, only to make it as pain free as possible. So that is the direction we are going.

Blog for Gloria Dickerson

Don suggested I start a blog for my mom who has recently moved to San Diego so that we can take care of her.

As most of you know, she has stage 4 bladder cancer and does not wish to go through all the difficult treatment options that she has. None of them are great (removal of the bladder and possibly portions of the vagina and uterus depending on whether it has spread, chemo, etc. So this will be a difficult time for all of us, particularly my mom. I expect it to be painful and full of medications for comfort. I have promised her not to try to prolong life, but rather to focus on her comfort for the time to come.

Please feel free to leave comments and I will let her know that she has many people thinking about her. I will write on a regular basis, at least several times a week to keep everyone informed of how things are going.